Well, we are a little over 2 months in to this 2 babies 14 months apart deal and I can honestly say it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've put off writing this until I could start to see the light at the end of the tunnel and hope that I'm not jinxing it now.
These last 2 months have been TOUGH. Ridiculously tough. I knew that there would be sleepless nights and exhausting days but what I wasn't prepared for was a baby who cried. . . a lot. I wasn't prepared for the extreme feelings of being alone, because we had no family around (after our moms left). I wasn't prepared for the daily feelings of "I cannot do this one more day". I wasn't prepared for the amount of tears that would fall (of mine!) on a daily, sometimes multiple times a day in those early day, basis. I wasn't prepared to feel like I was inept as a mother because I felt like we were barely surviving each day.
Jonas had a rough delivery (as did I, let's not leave my efforts out here:) ) and from the time he was placed on my chest, he was a crier. He cried for about 30 minutes after delivery, although I can't say I blame the poor kid. He has had terrible gas and also some reflux issues. This has resulted in him having long, loud, crying spells for several hours a day. Call it colic, call it stomach cramps, call it whatever you want but it's miserable. I felt bad for him because I knew he was in pain. I felt bad for Ellie because I would sometimes be short with her because I was so overwhelmed. I felt bad for me and Dan because we were about at our wit's end. Talks with the doctors didn't help, just sympathetic looks as I held my screaming baby and tried to wrangle my toddler. Comments from people about how "heavy" it all must be on me and how it will get better were not helpful.
I found it hard to bond with him early on because of all the crying. I breastfed for the first month but found no real bonding moments in those times. I know everyone says it takes about a month to really establish breastfeeding but a little before a month is when my mom left and I was left to try and breastfeed a screaming baby and take care of Ellie on my own. It was too much. I quit and have had no regrets. It's just been in the last few weeks where I felt like we've been able to start bonding a little. He's more alert, smiling and cooing, and crying less. I found it hard to bond with a baby when all he does is sleep, eat, and scream.
I worried that something was wrong with him. As hard as I tried not to, I compared him to how Ellie was as a baby. I convinced myself multiple times that something must be wrong with him because he was crying so much and seemed unaware of anything around him. Ellie came out of the womb alert, checking out her surroundings, resting peacefully on my chest. I knew in my head that babies are all different...that boys and girls are different but I just wasn't prepared for just how different they were. My boy seems to have every minor thing wrong with him that you can have! He had a clogged tear duct for the first few weeks, cradle cap on his head and forehead, a flat spot on his head and a preference for looking to one side(which, funnily enough is not the side he has a flat spot on) and has started physical therapy. They initially thought something was wrong with his hips but looks like now those are ok. His gas is worse than an adult's and when we switched his formula to one that helps with cramps, he broke out in a rash all over his body. You know your son has had it rough when the days he has been the happiest are the day he was circumcised and the day after.
But it's not all doom and gloom. I would say that we have more good days than bad days now. My husband is not getting daily phone calls at work with me in tears and screaming babies in the background. Jonas is crying a lot less and when he does cry, the majority of the time he is able to be calmed down quickly, especially if I can hold him. He is smiling, recognizing our voices and faces, rolling over from stomach to back, and has really seem to come alive in the last 2 weeks. The one thing that Jonas and Ellie do have in common is that they are both great sleepers. They both go to bed about the same time, Jonas is waking up once about 1am or 2am to eat and then goes right back to sleep until 7ish. This past weekend, we moved him out of his bassinet in our room and into his crib in Ellie's room and it's gone great. They both sleep through each other's noises and wake ups. So for sleep, I am infinitely grateful because I'm pretty sure I would be writing this from a mental institution if his sleep was horrible.
I hope we are starting to emerge from the heavy, heavy fog that was the newborn stage. Maybe we are just getting to know him better, maybe he's starting to feel better, maybe it's none of that and we really have no clue but whatever is happening, I hope it continues.
To other moms out there who have gone before me in this adventure...people should be paying you the big bucks and slapping medals on you left and right. To moms who are currently in the trenches with me or about to be, I won't tell you that it will get better (although allegedly it will) because that's not helpful right now. But I will tell you that it's ok to cry...a lot. It's ok to share your struggles with people. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to love your baby but not really like them some days . It's ok to put them down (someplace safe) while they're screaming and walk to a different part of the house where you can't hear them for just a few minutes so you can think straight without the ringing of crying in your ears. It's ok if the one thing you accomplished that day is going to the store without having a major meltdown...from the you or the baby! Things are super hard now but every night, after a hard day, I would think, "tomorrow is a new day". It may be a better or worse day but each day is new and before you know it, you've made it through some of the toughest times and life slowly returns to normal...for a few years anyways.
But the next time I talk about having another baby before these 2 are out of the house, slap me. ;)
